I keep going to the doctor because there’s something wrong with my heart. I’m not really sure what the problem is, but I know it started when I came to this godforsaken place and found you. It gets worse every time I see you; it’s like my heart is melting down my ribcage, smothering my lungs. They gave me a heart monitor, told me to beep it every time I have an episode.

You looking at me

beep

Your voice across the field

beep

Everyone is looking at me

beep

I thought too hard about disappearing

beep

You asked me to talk 

beep

The doctor said the monitor was inconclusive. They didn’t find anything. There were no cardiac irregularities when I beeped. Somehow, this has just become another thing I’ve failed. I feel like I need to beep again. I’m nauseous. Did I remember to tell the doctor? Every time I beeped, I tell him, I also felt like I was going to hurl, like I was dissolving under my skin. I wonder if I’m secretly dying. I wonder, if I come back and tell you I’m dying, will you care? Will you renege and take back everything you said? I almost wish I were secretly dying. I think I need to beep again.